Do you absolutely love playing chess but you are a giant bigger than a schoolhouse so every time you pick up a bishop or rook from a set designed for humans, it crumbles to dust in your hands? Perhaps you should consider purchasing frowning icon Kristen Stewart’s childhood home, which is ugly as sin and will surely give you nightmares, but does boast an oversized chess set in the backyard. I guess it depends how committed you are to playing a giant game of chess.
Curbed reports that the Woodland Hills, Los Angeles house of Kristen's youth was recently listed for $1.75 million. It appears to be owned by Stewart’s father, a stage manager. It has a very, very, very strong Alice in Wonderland theme, for whatever reason.
Pictures of the property, which looks normal enough from the street but, once you cross into the back yard, oh my lord what terrors ye shall then know, show not one but TWO Alice in Wonderland-inspired murals. One features the angry Queen of Hearts and an executioner of clubs. The other is a portrait of the White Rabbit with his pocket watch.
And now, an exercise in imagination:
Imagine the mad mind that would, upon seeing one painting of an anthropomorphic character from children’s literature graffiti’d on the outer back wall of a home, say "Yes, that's exactly what I want. Let’s increase the number of whimsical illustrations by one hundred percent,”
Imagine what life must have been like for young Kristen Stewart, when she finally learned shame. Kristen, her parents would say, it’s so hot out today. Why don’t you invite some of your friends over to swim in the pool? And Kristen, glumly eyeing the jumbo card suit-shaped stepping stones baking in the unbearable afternoon sun would sigh. I don’t think it’s that hot.
Imagine, now, grown Kristen Stewart nervously raking her hands through her hair, staring at the floor like she does, mumbling to her real estate agent I just want it to have as few walls as possible. Glass is OK. Brick walls and wood walls are OK. Nothing that could sustain a mural. I don’t know if it’s possible to have a home with no walls at all, but that would be ideal. Ceilings might be a problem – could those be slatted?
According to the listing, the Kristen Stewart's childhood home has 5 bedrooms, 6 bathrooms, 3 fireplaces, 2 wet bars, a game area, a sauna, a library, and maid’s quarters.
And somewhere, in some dusty, unvacuumable closet crevice (probably in the maid’s quarters), one of Kristen Stewart’s long, brown hairs.
The listing calls the property "artistic."
[Images via CRISNET/Getty]